you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
