I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Blood and glitter go together right?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
