so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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