Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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