Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
