U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
