I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
