she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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