my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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