i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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