I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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