I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
