It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
