i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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