I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
