I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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