just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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