The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
