Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
