Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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