I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
