Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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