you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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