The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I need water and some morals
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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