hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
