I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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