so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
