1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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