I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
