I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
