i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
