I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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