dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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