I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
