Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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