If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
