Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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