You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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