can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
