he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
