so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
