You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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