I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
