I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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