Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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