so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
