Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
