i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
