I molested 6 butterflies tonight
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
