I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize