He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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