Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
