Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
