I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
