I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
