Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
