does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
